Women Supporting Women

Yesterday I had three cups of coffee. Three to five cups of coffee per day used to be pretty standard in my world. I cut it out cold turkey about three or four months into my TTC journey. Going from three to five cups of coffee to nothing overnight is not a good idea. Trust me. It doesn't take much to turn me into a raging bitch, but sweet cheeses, between the pounding headaches and wild mood swings, that was an ugly week.

Anyway, so I had a coffee date with a friend yesterday and the convo was so good that I allowed myself a couple of refills. My body just isn't used to that much caffeine these days, so I tossed and turned in bed until about three in the morning. While I was tossing and turning, I reflected on three unsettling conversations that I had over the course of the week. I'll recap:

1. An acquaintance is entering the hospital the next day to be induced. This is her first child. Her due date isn't for a couple of weeks, but the doc says the baby is over 8lbs. One of the women discussing this situation clucks and says, "Ack. All these unnecessary interventions. Mark my words. That baby will be born in 48 hours, 7 lbs, and will be an emergency c-section." Mind you, this is EXACTLY what happened, but still....

2. A co-worker is discussing how her sister is at her wits end due to some sleeping issues that she is having with her 9-month-old. She is trying to transition her baby from co-sleeping to the crib. Another co-worker says, "Welp. That's what you get when you co-sleep with your baby. She had it coming. My babies were in the crib from day one. I let them cry it out and now we have no problems. I don't get all this hippy-dippy co-sleeping nonsense. You're just teaching your child to be dependent and spoiled."

3. At a baby shower last weekend, mothers were trading war stories about breast feeding. One mother stated that she found it too difficult to pump once she went back to work, so she only nursed her son for the first 12 weeks. Another mother chimed in, "Well, I feel that the benefits of breast feeding outweigh any inconvenience that might be placed on the mother." Another woman, in the SAME conversation, said, "Well, the really sick thing is all of these mothers who nurse their children until they are old enough to climb up on their laps and pull at their shirts. I mean, really. Breast feeding past 12 months? Gross."

I mean...really ya'll?

As I reflected on these conversations, I got the cold sweats and the room starting spinning. Is this the sisterhood of motherhood that I'm entering? I always pictured myself entering some sort of Red Tent style sorority where we all washed each other's feet, brushed each other's hair, and massaged oil onto each other's stretch marks.

Maybe I just wasn't paying attention up until now, but I had NO idea that there was this world of judgement out there. Apparently the judgement starts with how you get pregnant, continues into what you eat and how you conduct yourself during pregnancy, then continues into how you give birth, and plows full steam ahead into how you parent.

Ladies! What happened to WOMEN SUPPORTING WOMEN?? It's hard out there. Can't we help a sister out? Do we need to make it harder on each other by judging?

Like every single other woman in the world, my opinions and behaviors are formed by my background experiences. I am the sister of a midwife and the daughter of an amazing mother who I would love to emulate. I'll be honest, I have very strong opinions on how I would like to give birth and how I would like to parent. (This is assuming that I am ever lucky enough to actually be pregnant and be a parent.) But guess what. THESE ARE OPINIONS FOR MYSELF. My opinions and behaviors come out of love and the intense desire to give my (hypothetical) children the best life possible. So do everyone else's! The number one priority of the vast majority of mothers in the world is the well-being and happiness of their children. I'm not a mother, but I've heard enough mothers discuss how it's the hardest job in the world. Why would we tear each other down just because the way I want to give my child the best life possible is different than the way you want to give your child the best life possible?

Home birth, hospital birth, birth center birth, water birth, epidural, natural birth, breast feeding, not breast feeding, co-sleeping, crying it out, attachment parenting, all organic diet, processed food, competitive sports, non-competitive sports...WOMEN ARE DOING THE BEST THEY CAN! Instead of judging, how about a pat on the back and an offer to help a sister out? Or, if you can't muster the energy to help, how about just a sympathetic shake of the head and a, "Man. That's so hard. I feel you. You're doing awesome. Keep on truckin'."

That's my Sunday Soap Box. The end.